Stupid Easy: Avocado Deviled Eggs

Aren't they pretty?  Green Eggs.

By a bit of good fortune, I have a slight problem on my hands.  I get a CSA delivery that includes a dozen eggs every week.  While my cholesterol levels are still adjusting and I'm trying to eat more oatmeal to counteract that, for the most part this is a very good thing.  Eggs are nature's perfect food!  That, and milk.  Don't think too much about it and don't talk to a vegan about it, either.  Nutrient-wise, it's a good thing.

But then (dun dun DUN), my friend's garden chickens started laying eggs like crazy.  She has more eggs than she knows what to do with.  Like five dozen a week or something (not sure).  So, I got 18 eggs in addition to the eggs from my CSA.  Of course the home ones were better, but all the eggs were yummy.  But, I can't eat like five eggs a day!  Damn genes.

Last week, with all these eggs at critical mass, my MIL invited us to a block party in their neighborhood.  It's one of those cute streets that is old-timey even in our rude and modern city.  They have little potlucks and people say hi to each other when they see them, and the houses are 80-100 years old.  It's just cute overload.

Anyway, what could I bring?  EGGS.  Yes.  Eggs.  Duh.  Do not pass go, do not collect anything, just make eggs.  Whew!  A dozen less eggs in my house.  Whew.

Deviled eggs are always a hit.  I make a pretty good batch.  I always have.  Twenty-five years strong of making a good deviled egg.  People will always say, "You should try my deviled eggs, they're the best, trust me."  I will just smile and nod.  Yes, yes, you keep believing that.  But for 75% of my life, I have been making an epic deviled egg.

It was so good that when we had to do a "how-to" demonstration in fourth grade, I of course did deviled eggs.  Duh!  Twenty-five years, I tell you!

Okay, now that I have my credentials....

I was going to make my typical "not even a recipe" deviled eggs.  But, since my husband doesn't like mayo and I don't see the need to keep it around much (and when I do, I use it once and then the remainder sits sadly in my fridge for six months until I throw it out), I had to figure something else out since I was too lazy/cheap to run to the store for mayo. 

I had an avocado (also from CSA) that had to be used before I got my next delivery.  Healthy fats!  Yayyyyyyyy.  The avocado was nice and ripe and as you can tell by the picture, a gorgeous shade of bright green.

It's not even a recipe.  Here's what I did:

1.  Hard-boil a dozen eggs using your favorite method.  Everyone has theirs.  Google for some methods--there are as many methods as there are people, it seems.  My current favorite is to get the eggs out of the fridge about half an hour before boiling them.  Bring some water to a boil and drop the eggs gently into the already-boiling water.  Ten minutes seems to be about right.  Remove them into cold water and then chill.

2.  Take the chilled eggs and peel them under running water (catch the water if you're going through a drought; the plants will love it).  Gently dry off the peeled eggs on some paper towels.

3.  Slice eggs in half "hot-dog"-wise, and pop or scoop out the yolks into a medium bowl.  Set the egg whites on a platter or other pretty dish.  Here I used a pie plate because it works well and I had to transport it.  You can put cling wrap over the plate and it won't smoosh the egg yolks.

4.  Take the bowl of yolks and put it in a small sandwich-sized Ziploc bag.  Add some salt to taste, you don't need to add pepper but you can, and add some dried herbs to taste (as long as you get a little granulated garlic/onion, you're good).  Put a teaspoon or two (not exact) of mustard of your choice.  I usually put Dijon but in this instance I was feeling sassy and I put some classic yellow with turmeric.  I also scooped in my WHOLE avocado.

5.  The fun part:  Close the bag.  Squeeze out air.  Mush the bag with your fingers and go "doop doop doop doop" as you do this.  Trust me.  Scientific stuff happening here.

6.  Once this is all combined, cut a small hole in a corner of the bag.  About a quarter of an inch will do.

7.  Gently work the mixture down to the hole and begin gently piping into the reserved egg whites.

8.  Add paprika on top of the finished eggs because you're fancy and it looks pretty.

9.  Serve and profit.  These were a hit.  They were gone in a few minutes.  There were no leftovers.  Good cooks, including a PROFESSIONAL BAKER OMG who makes locally-famous pies and happens to live on this street, said they were "to die for."  I don't mean to brag, but I just did.  *drops mic*

10.  Wait, you're still wondering how they'll taste?  Just make them!  It's like deviled eggs and guacamole had a love child.  Everyone knows mutts are best anyway.

Not Even a Recipe: Homemade Yogurt

This isn't my yogurt, but mine looks similar!

Store bought yogurt is not that expensive.  Maybe Fage is...  But, your average generic non-organic plain yogurt is not too bad.  What if I told you that you could have fresher, organic, made-to-your-exacting-specifications, yogurt for a FRACTION of the price of storebought?  Does it sound like some gimmick?

It's not.  It does require a few moments of your time.  Wait!  Where are you going?  Don't close the browser.  It's easy.  I promise.  In fact, it is more of a "method" than a recipe.  And you can customize it until you get yogurt so good and so in step with your preferences that you will walk past that mile-long yogurt aisle at the grocer (that gets bigger by the day because everyone is obsessed with GUT HEALTH OMG).

Which leads me to this little side-thought:  How can a country that gets more obsessed by the day with probiotics be so afraid of making their own yogurt?  My MIL even said "isn't that how you get listeria?"  The answer is:  no.  More on "hygiene" of this later.  Of course, my mom is cool with homemade yogurt but freaked out when I ate cold pizza, so maybe everyone has their own line in the sand.

Here are the simple steps to starting your yogurt making JOURNEY:

1.  Purchase some good, fresh, organic milk.  Preferably whole-fat, but any fat level (or none) will work.  You can even use non-dairy milk, but I've never tried it.  The amount depends on how much yogurt you will make.  If you want to "experiment" first, use just a quart to start.

1a.  Obtain a yogurt starter.  Get a yogurt that you like the taste of (the taste is the bacteria) (OOOO YUMMM).  If you like a bloppy one, get a bloppy yogurt, and if you like a really acidic tangy one, get a really acidic tangy yogurt.  My current starter was given birth by a Fage full fat Greek yogurt.  My prior one was from my friend, but I contaminated it (more on that later).  You don't need to purchase fancy "yogurt starters" online unless you want to be that fancy.  But it's not worth the money in my opinion.  The amount should be about 2 tablespoons to every quart, but it doesn't seem to matter much how exact you are here.

2.  Get a container that you will use as your "yogurt container" and incubator.  Mine is a plastic tub given to me from my friend who gave me some of his homemade yogurt to try, hence starting my foray into this.  You can use glass, too.  I don't see why you can't use ceramic.  Just probably don't use metal.  Make sure it is SPOTLESSLY CLEAN (as Julia Child would say).

3.  Get a nice thick-bottom (no judging!) pot/pan.  This is what you will use to heat your milk.  Your milk will probably scorch to the bottom of a thinner pan.  This happens to me every week.  I'm saving up for a Le Creuset cast iron pan, but we all have our troubles.

4.  Get a reliable, quick-read thermometer.  Preferably the best digital one you can find, preferably with a long probe so you don't slowly cook your poor little fingers as you read the temperature of the milk as you scald it.  I recommend a Thermapen MK4, of course I'm classy like that.  Any good decent one with good reviews online will do.

5.  Get a clean dishtowel and set aside.  This will be important later.

6.  Google "homemade yogurt" and the top searches of the day will come up.  You can see that there are many methods to doing this.  I read a few and did what worked for me.  The two key parts are:  scald milk, incubate at a constant temperature.  The rest is up to you.

7.  To begin, pour your quart of milk into the pan and heat slowly and steadily to 185*F.  I've seen it as high as 200*F and that's fine too.  You probably don't want to go higher than that, and probably don't boil it unless you want to make something closer to cheese, which is fine, but not yogurt.  Read more and dork out about milk proteins or just trust me on this.

8.  It'll take around 20 min.  Monitor the heat.  Every so often, dip your thermometer in to read...  Be patient and it will hit 185*F.  Remove from heat.

9.  Now, cool down to 100*F to 115*F.  It needs to be cool enough to not kill the yogurt you're about to add.  You want the good bacteria to go to town on the now-"clean" milk (the scalding killed any rogue buddies in there).  The best way to get this cool fast is to take the hot pot (with lid on) and submerge it in ice water, and stir it around.  A cold tile/granite countertop works well, too.  So does having it watch a Wes Anderson or Lena Dunham movie (just kidding).

10.  Once your handy dandy thermometer reads in the "lukewarm but not hot" range mentioned in Step 9, mix a little of the warm milk in with your yogurt starter (you can have this in a clean bowl waiting).  Then mix that slurry into the warm milk in the pot.  Mix around.

11.  Get your CLEAN yogurt tub or container (etc.) and quickly pour the warm inoculated yogurt into the container.  Quickly wrap the container in your clean dishtowel and put somewhere that will have a constant temperature of about 110*F so the yogurt bacteria can do their thing and transform your milk into yogurt!

12.  The best thing for a warm place is probably your oven with the light on (but oven off!).  However, sadly, my oven light is out even though we have a new oven.  So, I did something I haven't found online but it really worked:  I put the yogurt in my microwave and rigged a little paper towel into the door so the door remained closed but light remained on (like a really low grade Easy Bake oven!).  This worked splendidly.  I've done it a few times now.  Another option is to google other people's ideas--this includes putting it in a cooler, for a similar effect.

13.  Now, just let it sit undisturbed for anywhere from 4 to 12 hours.  I've done it overnight a few times and it worked to get a good texture.  I sat it last time for only 5 hours and it had a mild, almost "crema" tang to it, which was lovely.  You want a nice custard texture.  You might want it runnier than I do, in which case you can have it slightly cooler (on the 100*F end) or stir it when it's DONE inoculating.

14.  Chill the "cultured" yogurt (by now, it will be talking about kale and bragging about some new art gallery opening in SOMA) for at least 2 hours before eating (not sure why this is a thing but it works for the texture to set more).

15.  Eat and enjoy!  I like mine with some fruit and no sweetener.  You might like it with jam; maybe add some peanut butter too!  Yum.

TROUBLESHOOTING:

Google "homemade yogurt troubleshooting" to find out what could possibly go wrong and how to fix it.  I found making yogurt very easy but I did run into a slightly rare problem:

My first two tries had my yogurt taste and feel like SNOT.

Gross, right?  I never said I was perfect.

I didn't die but I didn't eat more than a serving of each batch.

The whey looked like runny snot, and if you scooped it up, it had a "string", and it was just not a good mouthfeel.

Don't let this discourage you from making yogurt!

Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, throw out that old yogurt, and start all over again!

You see, this problem was due to me feeding my sourdough starter at the same time I was culturing the yogurt in our kitchen.  Or I had just baked it, or both.  The little yeasties floated in with the yogurt and contaminated the batch.  So sad.  But if you're a DIY person, you probably have this or some beer or kimchi floating around.  Just remember to keep them far away from each other, and keep the yogurt covered, especially in the cooling-off phase when you are tempted to keep it open to speed the cooling.  Keep all your utensils and tools and containers really clean.  Don't use an old sponge to clean them.  Use the dishwasher or scrub with a paper towel or very clean sponge.  That's my warning to you.

Otherwise, it's stupid-easy and a great way to feel like you made something from scratch, you're healthy, and you're super folksy too!

Remember, like sourdough, there are a few methods and things to remember, but people did this who couldn't read and had ten babies clinging to their skirt, with no running water or refrigeration.  If they could do this (as humans have for eons), you can, too!  :-)

Home Canning Project: Plum Jam!

Dan didn't know he was going to be used as manual labor during our vacation.

We had a lovely weekend in the country, in true food blogger fashion.  :-)  My grandparents have a plum tree that is so overloaded with plums that all of my grandma's daughters already went through and picked bags upon bags, there is still a ton left, and my mom and I went through and picked out more bags.  And there is still fruit left--so much that one branch has fallen off, overloaded as it is!  The above picture is my husband picking some of the higher fruit that us short folk can't reach.  He wasn't sure what was ripe or not, but it turned out everything he picked was glorious because the entire tree was just that good.

A kitchen scale is essential in this task.  You can get one fairly cheap, for around $15.

I spent a few days trying to eat all the fruit before I decided that jam was in order.  My grandma had suggested jelly, but since I have never even made jam on my own (always with help from friends), I thought I'd give it a shot.  The above picture is weighing out the chopped up plums.  I had about 4 or 5 pounds of plums total.

I'm not including a recipe here because your mileage may vary, and it's all about ratios anyway.  I ended up going to Ball's website (listed on your handy dandy canning equipment--any canning brand has its own helpful website) and searching for a recipe based on the fruit I had.  You can even search by type, ratio (how much pectin you will need), and many more.  I ended up taking a peach jam recipe from their site and multiplying it by how much fruit I had.  I figured the sugar adjustments would be about right for plums.  I used a scale to figure out ratios of however much fruit I added in, doing some maths, figured out the amount of pectin and sugar.  That's all that is in this jam.  Simple!

The jars and lids get a soak in the hot tub while the jam boils away.

Once you figure out the recipe maths, the other part that might be intimidating is the actual canning process.  Just remember to be sterile and careful.  It's really simple once you get a routine.  I went to my local hardware store and got a container of jars and lids.  The ones shown below are 4 ounce jars, very cute, and are packaged with sticker labels so your jar will look super Martha Stewart-y.  You can reuse the jar and rings, but have to buy lids.  I always forget to save the rings, so I just end up re-buying the entire package.  If you got this down to a better routine, and had free fruit to can, this would be a very cost-effective hobby!

All the jars ready to POP their TOPS

The other item I got besides jars and some fruit pectin was a handy dandy "canning kit."  It was $11 and while not really necessary, it saved my skin, literally, and saved a lot of time, too.  The kit included the tongs pictured above, great for picking up boily-hot jars from boiling water (USEFUL), a funnel to make spooning the jam into the jars VERY easy, and a little magnet on a stick, which sounds silly but is VERY useful for lifting the lids out of the boiling water and plopping them on the filled jars.  It also included this little "bubble popper" thingy which I didn't use and didn't find too useful.  But the rest rocked.

Other than that, I would say to just follow the directions in your canning recipe and on the box of jars (or online).  The canning recipe usually deals with the actual jam--cooking the fruit and getting it to boil and set.  The processing recipe usually deals with how to process the jars in a clean way.

Jam Recipe:

• Cooking fruit - easy!
• Follow the recipe because boiling times may vary.  For this recipe, I boiled the fruit and pectin together until it was at a rolling boil that couldn't be stirred down, then added all the sugar and brought up to another hard boil for five minutes.  Then it was time to process.

Processing Recipe:

• Killing off bacteria, fungus, and other nasties!
• Following directions on the jar container, I hand-washed in hot soapy water and then rinsed the jars, lids, and rings.  The rings are merely a formality, so once they are clean, you can let them air-dry.
• The jars and lids, however, are IMPORTANT.  I put them immediately into the water bath to stay nice and boily hot while simultaneously boiling the jam.  It was at a constant simmer for the 15 minutes or so that I boiled the jam (I wanted them to be all ready at the same time).
• When the jam was ready, my faithful assistant (Dan) and I worked quickly to get the jam in the jars and the jars closed.  This meant pulling one jar at a time out and onto a towel.  In goes the funnel, plop goes the jam, plop goes the lid (also pulled fresh from the simmering water), and gently closed by the ring (CAUTION:  HOT).
• We repeated this with all 12 jars.  Then back into the waterbath they go for five minutes on, and five minutes off.
• The fun part is after.  You can enjoy the "overage" jam that didn't fit in a jar, while hearing the jars cool down and go POP.  A popped seal is a good seal.
• If a jar didn't seal in 12-24 hours, they tell you to re-process.  I would just eat it at that point if I were you.  We lucked out and all 12 jars closed tightly.

The "overage" which we got to eat right away instead of can.

Would I do it again?  Probably.  I consider this alright for a first try.  I was happy it worked out and I didn't waste any time or jam.  The entire process took 1.5 hours, that included some time to calculate ratios and wash the jars, as well as prep the fruit.

Wouldn't this be impressive for a Christmas or housewarming gift?  You would be tops in that person's book.

This is Not Even a Recipe: Office Yogurt Parfait

It's as easy as that.  I keep forgetting to buy granola at the store, and my office stocks crunchy granola bars in the break room, endlessly.  I'm not a fan of eating them as-is, but bash them up with your typical heavy-duty office stapler, and you have some pretty good granola.  Added bonus:  portion control!

The bottom of the container is layered with some compote I made by cooking down a few "meh" peaches and some long-in-the-tooth apples, and adding a bit of sugar and pumpkin pie spice (good for more than pumpkins!).  Put plain yogurt on top and the granola over that, stir together, and profit!

Stupid Easy: Simple Tabbouleh Salad

Oh hi!  I'm back for a little post.  Whatever, I do what I want.

Anyway, I went to a fancy grocery store in a fancy area on Sunday.  It's one of my favorite pastimes.  Sometimes you find very interesting new foods from interesting places.  Other times, you find overpriced stuff you can get for much cheaper elsewhere, or even make for a fraction of the price.

I was thinking of getting a deli salad.  I saw a small 8 ounce tub of tabbouleh.  I hadn't had a good tabbouleh in a long time.  My mom used to make it all the time when I was a kid--I don't know, it was the 80's.  It was a crazy time.

FIVE DOLLARS?!?  Five dollars for eight ounces!!!???

No thanks.

Thanks to us being in "the future," I got out my handy pocket computer (smart phone) and searched for a simple recipe for tabbouleh.  I mean, it can't be that expensive.  It's all parsley, right?  And it's super simple.  And, if you broke down the amount I paid for the ingredients and somehow applied a formula to my hourly wage at work, I'm not sure where the savings would be, but I didn't feel that $5 was a good price for a cup of grain salad.

So, here is what I put together.  You can find all these ingredients for fairly cheap at a regular grocery store.

1 c bulgur wheat (follow package directions to put 1 c of boiling water over 1 c of wheat and let sit)
1 English cucumber, chopped
1 bunch mint, chopped
2 bunches parsley, chopped (I used flat leaf, probably doesn't matter but I feel it's easier to chop)
1 pound tomatoes, chopped (get what looks good; I got some grape tomatoes)
1-2 lemons, juiced (I used Meyer lemons and needed more)
a few glugs olive oil (probably 1/2 cup; I don't measure this, just do what looks good)
salt and pepper to taste

You can also add:

scallions
garlic
granulated garlic
oregano (dried)
feta cheese or other protein

Mix it around and let it set so flavors meld.  Summer salad potluck, here we come!

Useful Knowledge: How to Season Cast Iron

Work in progress

 

I have posted a few things that I made in my beloved large and deep cast iron pan.  I realized that I've now owned it for a little over a year!  And in that time, it has improved, probably more than any fine wine would.  

The cast iron pan was a rusty and forgotten old piece of metal in a cardboard box from the days when my family friend went camping--we are talking 70's, I'm thinking.  The pan hadn't seen bacon or the sun in probably around 30 years.

I did some research online about how to clean it.  I would recommend against using a bunch of chemicals like oven cleaner and the like.  After all, this is something you're going to eat off at some point, right?

What did I use?  Salt.  Just plain old table salt is fine.  Cheaper the better, as you will need a lot of it, probably.  Just lightly wet the pan and then pour a lot of salt onto it.  Take a damp paper towel to it and scrub scrub scrub away.  When everything starts to dissolve and/or turn brown, rinse it out, and get a new paper towel and a new bit of salt.  Repeat the process until the rust is gone and pan looks relatively smooth.

Once the pan is smooth, rinse and then wipe off any water.  Now, the pan is very prone to rust/oxidization.  So, you want it to be away from water.  Put it on the stove to dry it out quick.  Then...  Put a dollop of vegetable oil (or other neutral, high-heat oil) on it and wipe all over with a paper towel so that there is a small layer (still on the stove).  Some people prefer the pan upside down in the oven, but I didn't notice much difference.  Heat for several minutes and cool down.  Repeat the heat and cool whenever you feel like it.  This is the start of your seasoning.

Then, cook in it!  Cook a lot!  Cook often!  But, it needs to slowly build up that many-layered seasoning if you want this pan to be something you treasure and use all the time.  Obviously the best thing to do in it is fry bacon.  That goes without say.  Saute things.  Don't do acid-based items like tomatoes, at least until it is well-seasoned.  Heck, I even did some scones in it (line the pan with melted butter first), and it turned out great.

After each time you cook, wait for it to cool so you can handle it, and gently rinse and wipe and then reheat with another layer of oil.  After several times of the cook-wipe-season process, you will see that this is probably the best item in your entire kitchen. 

Oh, and if you have a stubborn bit of burnt food on it, just apply a little salt to that portion and re-season just as you did at the beginning.

Before you know it, you'll use this for cooking just about everything.

Stupid Easy: Pancakes in Cast Iron

Bubbles away...

It was about here that I realized I needed to turn up the heat.

Breakfast taco!

What's for breakfast this weekend?  I always think at least one of the days should include a lazy breakfast cooked into lunch time.  That's brunch, I guess.  I felt like pancakes, so I made some.  I then always regret it because an hour later and you're still flipping pancakes--tedious.  But, worth it and fun, once in awhile.

The best thing about this was also seasoning my beloved cast iron pan some more.  Constant heat and fat for an hour was a real boon for it, and helped it a lot.  I looked at some old pictures and realized I've had this guy for a year now, exactly.  See my post on seasoning cast iron to find out how I, um, seasoned cast iron.  I'm posting it in conjunction to this.

The recipe I used for the pancakes was Martha Stewart's.  But, since she hates me, I had to add an extra cup of flour, so I would call that a crappy recipe, although others have told me it's great.  I wanted a buttermilk recipe as buttermilk pancakes are the best.  What?  You don't know what to do with that carton of buttermilk after you make pancakes?  Well, instead, might I suggest getting POWDERED buttermilk you can keep on hand in your fridge for all your baking needs?  :-)  King Arthur might have a better recipe.  I will search further and get back to you.

Some things I like to remember when making pancakes:

• Make sure you heat up your pan HOT HOT HOT.  You can always turn it down if you notice the pancakes are cooking too fast.
• When you turn on the stove and heat the pan, also turn on the oven to your "warm" setting for your done cakes.
• Grease the pan with BUTTER.  Butter is best.  That's my motto.
• The batter shouldn't be too thick, but it shouldn't be soup either.  Even crepes have a nice consistency that is NOT soupy.  Pancake batter should look similar to cake batter (after all, they're cakes!).  You should also have to pour it, not glop it...  If it's GLOPPY then add a bit of water/milk.
• Ladle the batter onto the hot greased pan.  I spread out the butter with a silicone brush, too, so it's a nice layer.
• Wait for it to develop bubbles...  Tiny bubbles.......  Before flipping.
• Flip with confidence, and flip with a large metal spatula.  None of this flimsy crap and I prefer metal to plastic.  That's why I love cast iron...  You can use metal and not scrap Teflon into your food!
• Wait till it stops sizzling too much and then flip that done cake into the oven where I assume you have put a dish or pie plate to collect the done cakes.  :-)

Pancakes are good with PURE maple syrup and REAL butter.  It's good for the soul.  We didn't have maple syrup.  They're thankfully also good with jam and butter, jam and whipped cream, or in my case, fresh berries and plain yogurt.  As you can see in the photo above, I made it into a breakfast taco, and it was tasty.

Joan's Way of Life

Joan being dressed by the legendary Golden Age costumer, Adrian.

 

Recently I had the pleasure of reading Joan Crawford's book, My Way of Life.  It's another of those obscure, out of print books that I believe is a treasure.  I first heard about it, and got it via Link+, several years ago.  However, I ran out of time to finish it, and forgot about it for a few years.  I decided to try for it again, seeing as a purchased copy goes for about $100.  It's not really a memoir per se, although there are some tidbits (none very juicy) about her Hollywood life, very little about her childhood and pre-Hollywood times, and a few more anecdotes about her various husbands and "friends," her life married to the CEO of Pepsi, and her family life.  Of course, when you read about her times with her daughters, it is hard not to envision Mommy Dearest.  For more juicy stuff, click here.

 

Her style tips are very intriguing.

 The tips in the book read like a "Happy Homemaker" guidebook, albeit one written by a slightly deranged and very rich lady who came of age during the Silent Film era of Hollywood.  All of us can have double-decker closets (i.e., two stories tall), right?  You know, for our out-of-season items.

The pencil marginalia was already on the book.  NO WIRE HANGERS!!!

Some of the book made me a bit sad, as she definitely seemed like someone who had an undiagnosed case of OCD.  I'm not sure how good it is for your shoes to be rubber-banded together and put in plastic bags.  You really have to feel for her "help."


Diet tips are somewhat sensible, surprisingly.

 For an interesting party, invite a variety of guests.  You know, maybe a CEO of a large corporation, a poet, an artist, etc...  Oh yeah, just the usual bunch.  And if you want to be a good hostess, get help (as in, hire a maid) so you can enjoy your own party.  If you aren't too well off, just one will do, but two maids and a butler is better.

I'm sure she was a lovely woman.

 This book is really a good read if you like movie history, actresses of the Golden Age, or retro homemaker guides.  Some of Joan's advice is actually pretty sensible, while other bits are just a little on the loopy side.  Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I do get a feeling of her loneliness, sadness, and struggles in life, even though she works hard to gloss over everything and make everything sound picture perfect.  I'd like to think that if I met her, she would be a woman who just needed a friend and was a bit misunderstood for the route she took in life.

What Are You Doing on Valentine's Day?

NO...  Just...  NO.

So...  What's everyone's plan for Valentine's?  No plans?  That's cool, too.  But you can have a "Galentine's" if you aren't attached, or you can just enjoy a damn fine piece of grilled red meat with some alcohol.  Just make it a fun day and no pressure.  I was single for many years before meeting my husband.  The only tip that I would give, single or not, is to AVOID RESTAURANTS AT ALL COSTS.  I don't even care if you can't cook.  Have cereal at home.  But to me, there is nothing more forced, and less romantic, than eating at a "romantic" restaurant on Valentine's Day.  And heck, even if you can't cook, why not try one of my stupid easy recipes?

I'm more into some clever, witty repartee on V-day.  Not schmaltz, unless it's done with a wink.  But that's just my style.  If you like the Notebook, you might want to look elsewhere for advice on what to do with yourself on V-day.  So, let's get started.

To me, the day is all about either funny admiration for buddies, or your significant other, or sex.  Let's be honest, the heart that we all know and love was modeled after a you-know-what, back in Greek times, I believe.  To me, a good Valentine's Day has some rich, indulgent food, and maybe a quirky fun movie to cuddle up on the couch with.  This is not the day for health food.  Oh, and chocolate and alcohol should be in there somewhere, too.  What you do after the movie is your business.  If you're into teddy bears with handcuffs, far be it for me to tell you EW GROSS.  But I just said it anyway.

So, without further ado...

Let's start by selecting some movies.  Why not a classic screwball comedy from the 30's or 40's?  Even if your sweetie doesn't like black and white movies, or old movies, or how people talked back then, believe me--they will enjoy these fun and funny films.  Here is a good list of the ones you can't miss.

Okay, moving on...  How about some chocolates to nibble on?  Classic truffles are always great, or you can go the vegan route with these.  It's all good.  At any rate, you'll wonder why you were paying $2 a pop for the fancy ones before.

Now, how about some snacky-snacks while your steak is cooking (you did get a steak...  didn't you?).  Maybe some surf-n-turf is in order?  Like, crab cakes?  Or maybe some nice slurpy mussels to sluuuuuurp on...  Like these or these?  Maybe some cheese and grapes or something, too.  And, sipping in a cocktail wouldn't hurt.  Maybe some Scotchy-Scotch or a French 75?

Then, about that steak.  Now, if you are not a steak eater, you can do a luscious roast chicken using Thomas Keller's classic easy method.  Just stick the super dry and salted bird in the oven for an hour (plenty of time to make out!) and when it emerges, it will be sticky, crispy, and juicy.  Yum.  If you are a vegetarian, I would say go for Indian or Thai takeout.  The spice is sexy, right?  And it's all about being sexy.

Now is not the time for Brussels sprouts or cauliflower.  :-/  Or beans, really...

Okay, back to that steak!

Here is a good recipe that pairs a nice bloody steak with a simple chocolate mousse dessert.  Red meat and dark chocolate, yum!  Otherwise, I don't really think you need a recipe for steak.  Just make sure you have a good cut of meat, let it hang out outside the fridge for a few minutes while you prep the grill or cast iron, and then sear that sucker on both sides.  Then rest.  Then enjoy.  YUM.  Oh, and pair it with your favorite full-bodied red wine, of course.

Need a side?  How about potatoes?  They're earthy, and sexy, right?  I mean, yeah?  Here are some good potato ideas.  Pasta can be slurpy too, and romantic in a Lady-and-the-Tramp sort of way, but if you're doing steak, I would go with potatoes.  Any of these will work fine.

If you need even more chocolate, maybe try this almost-flourless chocolate cake, with some yummy vanilla ice cream on the side.

And if all goes well for your Valentine's Day, how about some ideas for a bacon-centric morning after?

And if all else fails, buy a card with a train on it that says "I CHOO-CHOO-CHOOOOOOSE YOU."  Works every time!

Stupid Easy: Thai Stone Soup Hack

Made by a very hungry and tired me.

The other evening, I got home from work after a boring day and a long commute.  I was starving.  The boys had gone for a bike ride, and no dinner was waiting for me, hot on the stove.  I then brainstormed what I could turn into a yummy dinner, quickly.

Fast forward thirty minutes and no trips to the store, and a very content me was sipping on some Trader Joe's Dunkelweizen while stirring a simmering, hearty soup, happily chatting to husband that yes, I did make dinner, it's all ready to go, see you soon.

What happened in those thirty minutes?  Well, I was hungry as f***.  I was almost hangry.  The fridge was near-empty (but we all know this is when the best meals are produced).  I was thirsty.  I reached for an ice cold beer (thankfully there).  Now, with a clear head, was time to carefully examine the fridge.

Hmmm...

There is a pot in there--leftovers?  Yes!  But no...  Only two cups of yesterday's lentil/bacon/greens/brown rice mixture were left.  This will not do to feed three hungry people.  I'll set it on the stove anyway...

What else, what else...  A container of my old standby, Trader Joe's pre-chopped mirepoix?  Excellent.  Let's pull that out.

This always makes me think of soup.  But what kind of soup?  I don't want a boring soup.  How about a Thai curry-style soup?

Luckily, in the fridge door, I found half of a small jar of Thai red curry paste from a previous recipe I did.  Let's set that on the counter.

Anything else?  Hmmm...  Maybe it's getting time to clean out the fridge.  What the hell is in that jar?

Oh wait, here is a fresh-ish one-pound bag of Trader Joe's chopped rainbow chard!  Pretty!  Okay, this is so going in the soup and this is going to be a delicious and nutritious soup.  What else can we do, broth-wise?

Let's look in the pantry...

Ah, my old reliable, Trader Joe's version of Better Than Bouillon, a little bouillon packet I can squeeze into this soup!  And, a can of coconut milk!  Now, I don't want it to be a sauce, so I chose to go with one can of coconut milk and two cans of water (one can of the water will simmer off).

Now, to start the recipe:

1. Over medium heat, warm up the leftovers, stirring.
2. Once they are broken up, add the mirepoix and a bit of olive oil.  Sautee till translucent.
3. Add Thai red curry paste and mix.  Add other spices here as you see fit (I wanted to keep it simple, so it was just this and some salt).  Mix until fragrant.
4. Add the chard or other greens.  Stir until wilted but not entirely cooked through.
5. Add the bouillon packet here (basically anywhere before you add liquid; I find it's easier to mix in at that point).
6. Stir until it all looks cohesive, broken down, melded.
7. Add in one can of coconut milk plus two cans of water and stir.
8. Let it simmer till the soup has reduced to your liking, and serve.  The boys ate it with toast, I had it as is.  You can add a dollop of cream or yogurt to it, too, if you want.
9. Yum!  Winning on an empty fridge!

Stupid Easy: Homemade Nachos

Don't worry, it's fat free Greek yogurt!  :-D

I was supposed to make some nachos for Super Bowl.  I don't really like football or follow anything related to it, but it's important to my brother, so I had him and his girlfriend over.  His girlfriend, my husband, and I are all equally apathetic toward football, but we can all agree that food is awesome!  Bro's girlfriend brought banh mi (Vietnamese sandwiches), so needless to say, we were too full for my nachos.  I saved them for Monday night instead.  Heck, we still had some commercials to watch anyway, since we don't get broadcast TV (not missing much there).

I know some families make nachos all the time, or at least every Friday night.  We don't.  Growing up, we never did, either.  No clue why.  But there you have it.

Probably the best tip with these that I got online was to LAYER them.  So, I gathered my ingredients:

• One bag of STURDY corn tortilla chips (I chose Trader Joe's brand yellow corn tortilla chips)
• Two 12 oz cans of beans (I chose TJ's Cuban style black beans)
• Two bags of pre-shredded cheese or a pound block, shredded (again with the TJ's here)
• One small can of sliced olives
• One small can of sliced pickled jalapenos
• Salsa of your choice
• Fresh cherry tomatoes (optional, but they add freshness)
• Guacamole or avocado mashed up (avocados seem to suck around here, even though it's California and that just shouldn't happen.  I get TJ's packaged version, basically mushed avocados)
• Sour cream or Greek yogurt (I used TJ's fat-free Greek yogurt, which is why I could glop it on like that)
• Several (5-6) green onions, snipped or sliced

Layer one layer (yes, layer, not pile) of chips.  Then put some queso.  Then beans.  Then chips, and repeat the layering process till you run out of chips or space.  Then for the last layer, put even more cheese (you want it ooey gooey), plus the olives, jalapenos (yes, I wanted them baked--yum), tomatoes/salsa (roasted tomatoes = yum).  Put oven to about 400*F--it doesn't matter, but you want it to warm through and roast the top.  Bake for about 15 minutes (check to make sure it's warmed through and cheese is bubbly).  Top with guacamole, sour cream, and snipped green onions.  Serve, and rejoice!

NOTE:  If you have leftovers, they make EXCELLENT chilaquiles or you can just heat the whole damn thing up again, which is what I did, and it was darn tasty.

Plus, it's vegetarian, so it's healthy, right?  ;-)

This is Not Even a Recipe: My World Famous Meatballs

Sorry for the messy sides.  That's life!

I first ran across this "recipe" somewhere on Pinterest.  It was fast-approaching time for me to think about what I was going to feed upwards of 30 people for a July 4th party at our house.  I needed something that wouldn't require the oven--it was going to be 100*F that day.  I needed something that didn't require my attention.  I needed something that didn't require much effort.  To be honest, how tasty this would be was not one of the top criteria.

But I sure did luck out!  I made this recipe, and not only was it one of the best things I've made, but it got people who didn't even know me (or know that I was one of the party hosts) (living with roommates ftw) to stop me and exclaim "OMG DID YOU MAKE THESE THEY ARE SO GOOD."

This made me incredibly happy, but also a little pissed off.  I have made stupid recipes from other food blogs that made me shake my fist in frustration and ask an empty kitchen, "did you even try this before publishing your post??"  I've spent several hours in the kitchen, sometimes into the wee hours of the morning, slaving away, only to be told politely after much prodding, "uh, yeah, they're okay..."  My husband, who always strives for honesty, will be the one to say, "it took you THAT LONG to make?  What a waste of time."  (See: mini calzones from a blog that shall remain nameless and also boycotted)

Which is why I love these meatballs.  The effort to reward ratio is spot-on.

Get a few pounds of frozen meatballs.  I used Trader Joe's Party Size Mini Meatballs, which are 20 oz per bag, and I used two bags.  They are fully cooked, frozen, and ready to go.  Also, they're tasty.  You can stick them in a quick and easy soup, too.  But I digress.  The small form factor means an optimal sauce-to-ball ratio.

Get a 12 oz bottle of Heinz chili sauce.  It doesn't have to be Heinz, but this works best for me.  I have also tried "Homade" brand, which worked fine and is probably more natural.  But, are we really that concerned with natural foods when we are making this?

Get about a 12 oz jar of grape jelly.  You basically want it to be equal parts jelly to chili sauce.  So, if you can only find a Costco-sized tub, just eyeball it when you "assemble" this dish.  I tend to try and find an organic version that has no HFCS (high fructose corn syrup).  It's all up to you, though.

Get out your Crock Pot.  What?  You don't have one?  You can get one for super cheap basically anywhere, even the grocery store.  You will thank yourself soon enough.

Put the three ingredients in the pot.  Turn to "high" and stir gently to distribute the sauce, especially the grape jelly.  Usually I don't really keep track until someone asks "um, should we turn this to low?"  But I would say put it on high for at least an hour, since you have frozen balls (don't you hate when that happens) that you want to warm through.  Then keep on "low" for the next few hours as the party progresses.  Near the end, I might reduce to "keep warm" or I might just turn off at that point--heck, all the meatballs are probably done by then!

This is Not Even A Recipe: Blistered Shishito Peppers

Gotta love that cast iron!

If you read any cool hip food blog, you will see a prevalence of recipes as of late for blistered or roasted shishito peppers.  Now, I am not cool, so I had never heard of such peppers.  Jalapenos, yes.  Shishito, no.  Are they hotter or sweeter than jalapeno?  Would it be like a bell pepper?  Or like an Ortega chili?  I had no idea.  I was intimidated.

But enter Trader Joe's.  When such items appear at Trader Joe's at their cheap and cheerful price point, it makes trying intimidating stuff super easy.  So, I saw the bag of shishito peppers in their produce section, and figured even if it was a failure, I'd be out about three bucks.  And besides, as usual on a Friday night, I was starving after my ballet class which ends a bit before nine.  So, basically everything in the store looked great.  I spent a lot.

When we got home, I heated up the cast iron pan and while waiting for it to heat, I slowly rinsed off the shishito peppers and threw them into the hot pan (this is the only prep--no slicing, ribbing, or anything else).  I let them go (POP POP) for a minute or two before pouring in a couple glugs of olive oil.  I tossed and turned the peppers over so that both sides or all sides got those pretty blisters you see above. 

Since this was an experiment, I will say a couple tips:

• When the peppers are done cooking, immediately remove them from the hot pan to retain their freshness and crispness.  Otherwise, you'll get basically roasted peppers, which is not bad, but not what we're looking for.
• When you have the peppers in said serving bowl, toss in some salt and mix...  That's all you need.

So, that's it.  Peppers and salt.  The bag was maybe half a pound?  I ate the WHOLE DAMN THING.  My brother "helped" by eating like two or three.  I ate the rest.  Low calorie snack, full of vitamins?  Not bad.

Oh and one more little tip:  The bag warned that "one in ten" peppers carries a "spicy kick."  They are not kidding.  Nine in ten are super flavorful and wonderful, a certain taste I can't describe except to say it's like a yummier than usual Ortega chili.  But that one in ten makes your face go numb.  You've been warned!  But don't let it stop you from this pepper adventure.

This is Not Even a Recipe: Lazy Muesli

This is not a sad desk brunch!

Well, the above picture of my breakfast may not look too impressive.  But trust me that it was tasty and can only get tastier.  I found that Trader Joe's makes an "Organic Multigrain Hot Cereal."  It has rolled wholegrain rye, barley, oats, and wheat.  I consider it a nice little change from oatmeal.  Oatmeal is awesome, but all these different grains make for a unique flavor.  You can definitely have it cooked, as any hot cereal.  Here is a good recipe for PB&J hot cereal using the stuff.  As usual, a cheap thrill from TJ's.

For the above, all I did was put some of the uncooked cereal in a Tupperware-type container.  I have some cooler containers, but the ugly Ziploc one was on the counter so there ya go.  I put about half a cup, the serving.  Then I put enough milk to have it swimming around a bit, about 3/4 to a cup.  You could add other ingredients here or the following day, depending.  I put it in the fridge overnight and had it for breakfast the next day (you can microwave it the next day if you want, too).

I like it cold and mushy (that's what she said).  Add some trail mix, chopped fruit, cinnamon, sugar, honey, etc...  You have one fantastic breakfast.  Since I had dental work done yesterday evening and am supposed to eat "soft foods only," I just had this as is, with some dried cranberries mixed in.  I'm trying to reduce sugar, so I had about six cranberries swirled in, and I fished them out like you do the cherries in a fruit cocktail (or is that just me?).

Some ideas to add:

• chopped apple
• chopped banana
• jam (berry jam would work great)
• trail mix (almonds/cashews work great)
• dried fruit (or part of a trail mix - tropical fruit or cranberries works great)
• orange juice (super European way to do things)
• cinnamon
• honey/maple syrup
• pinch of salt sometimes adds a good flavor
• hey, no one's looking...  why don't you add some chocolate chips?  :-D

This is Not Even a Recipe: Zucchini Saute

Ah, zucchini.  I just love dark greens, zucchini, and bell peppers (especially red ones).  But, I'm trying not to get in a rut, so instead of doing peppers and chard last night, after a long busy day and on my own for dinner prep, I went with zucchini.

I broke out my trusty big cast iron pan, worth every penny even if you don't take into account that I got it for free from a family friend.  I love this pan!  More on the pan in another post (and how to cook with and season a cast iron pan).  The pan came to me with some rust and wear and a weird layer of not-cool grease.  But now it is a trusty mainstay of my kitchen (and can be used as a weapon if need be, too) (you know, like in cartoons? when the pan would turn into the shape of the hapless person who got hit?).

Okay, I digress.

I can't really say this is a recipe, but I can definitely say that this proves you can put something yummy on the table with little to no skills, no recipe, no time, and only a couple ingredients.  I am not even going to list out the things I used.  Just read on.

I had about a pound of green zucchini from Trader Joe's.  I chopped off either end, then cut them lengthwise into quarters, then sliced that into coins.  In other words, 1/4 of coins, like little triangles.  You can cut it up however you want, but I wanted to save cooking time by taking some time on the front end with prep.  You could also grate it, but I wanted a little bit of "meat" to my zucchini.

I added some olive oil to my cast iron and when it shimmered, I dumped in the zucchini as I cut them up.

I usually add onions first, but in this case I really wanted to cook the heck out of my zucchini.  So, once I had the zucchini all in, I grabbed one medium-sized onion (about 4-5 inches in diameter), peeled it, and diced it up.  For a good method on how to mince or dice an onion, YouTube it.  Once you get some practice in, it's easy peasy.  Just remember to have a sharp knife.

Add the onions to the zucchini and stir around.  Things should be shiny and start looking a little translucent.  Then add seasonings.  Go with whatever moves you.  But definitely include salt and fresh-ground pepper in this.  After adding salt and pepper, I added some thyme, turmeric (love the color and it's so good for you, and also super TRENDY now), and garlic powder.  I might note a lesson I learned here:  I treated us to truffle salt, but that really is a finishing salt as the truffle flavor was more or less absent from the final dish.

Stir and stir and scrape until it is a doneness you like.  I wanted this to be almost like zucchini butter.  Yes, google that and you can find something really fantastic to put onto your toast if you have gotten tired of avocado toast (come on, even though it's overdone and trendy, avocado toast is delicious). 

Once my zucchini was about a third in volume of what I started out with, I tasted a bit to check for seasoning.  You can serve as is, as a side, or in my case, I mixed some pre-made ravioli from Trader Joe's into it, along with some French butter.  Magnifique!

Stupid Easy Somewhat Healthy Saute

Let me just preface this recipe by saying that just about everything we cook is stupid-easy and somewhat healthy, sometimes entirely healthy.  So from now on, just assume that all recipes here are easy.  Unless I write "Really Difficult" in the title.

Also, let me apologize for not having a fancy kitchen or fancy camera.  I'm a fan of using my iPhone camera instead of the Canon DSLR (need to work on that), and we have a rental so the kitchen is not exactly stylish.  It does, however, have a gas stove and lots of storage.  So, I can't really complain.  But it is ugly.

As an aside, this ugly rental kitchen has hosted several parties a year, some of which we feed upwards of 30 people at.  So, not too shabby.  My point is, you can do it, too!

The above picture is of a quick sauté we put together the other day.  I am a huge fan of Trader Joe's, but you can probably find the stuff elsewhere.  If you don't like to cook, don't know how, or don't have the time, I hope this recipe and others on the blog will change your mind.

Let's get cracking!

You'll need:

- Half pound of bacon or another fat source like a few glugs of oil
- Mirepoix mix or: one onion, two carrots, and two celery stalks (eyeball them), all diced, one pound total
- cooked lentils (about one pound cooked)
- at least one pound of greens of your choice.  Here, we used red spinach and green spinach.
- season to your taste:  always salt and fresh-cracked pepper, and here I added some garlic powder and French thyme.

1. We started this out by putting about half a pound of bacon in a hot pot.  If you're a veg, you can use olive oil or fake bacon.  I prefer thick-cut and as free of additives as you can get.  We sliced it into half-inch chunks.  It'll cook down.
2. When bacon has rendered fat and begun to brown, add mirepoix.  Mirepoix, which is not in the spelling dictionary on this word processor, is a combination of diced/minced onions, carrots, and celery.  "Your aromatics," as some may say.  The Italian word for it is sofrito.  In Cajun cooking, they use red bell peppers instead of carrots in their "Holy Trinity."  Again, Trader Joe's commercial:  they make a pre-chopped container of mirepoix, or as one lady there asked for it, "soup starter."  Yes, it's fresh and it's fine and dandy.  Or, you can buy the items separately and process them.  Since we were lazy, we got the container, and didn't even need to use a chef's knife when preparing this.  More time to drink beer!
3. When carrots begin to soften and onions are translucent, add the cooked lentils.  You might need to break them up if they are in a container like the one Trader Joe's has--they are all stuck in a block.  Let the bacon grease coat them and everything meld and soften.
4. When everything starts to get browned, lentils are broken down and warm, and mirepoix is well on its way to rendering out all its flavors, add the greens.  This is the fun part.  You might need to add them in batches because huge amounts break down into a tiny little bit.  Can you imagine all those NUTRIENTS in those greens?  Holy smokes.  Amazing.  You'll feel like Popeye the Sailor Man after this.  Please tell me you understand that reference.  If not, YouTube it.  All you do is stir those greens around, coat them with the pan liquid, and things wilt down.  Keep stirring for a few minutes and you will have something similar to what's pictured above.
5. Correct the seasoning, as you never know how salty the bacon will make things (usually I need to add a bit more salt).  Add the other seasoning.  Mix and sit to meld flavors.
6. You can let it sit or eat right away.  I encourage you to play around with ratios and ingredients.  Maybe you don't like lentils (what's wrong with you?)--you can sub out any other bean or legume.  This is a vegan meal if you leave out the bacon and add vegetable oil of some sort.  Any green that benefits from being cooked will work here.  You can add bell peppers, too (lots of nutrients), add broth to turn it into a soup or stew, or plop a poached or over-medium egg on top to make things rich.  The sky's the limit when you're cooking.  Cooking is fun!

I hope you give this a go the next time you want something quick and are too hungry to even find time to get takeout.  This is quicker than takeout.